ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
🙋♀️
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Wikigenius
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I just stopped by to water my horse.