My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey