[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
pelicons
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.