One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*