Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
You Might Also Like
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Hit me in the face with a bird
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.