Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]