I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m aging like a fine banana
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”