Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You Might Also Like
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.