2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.