If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think