I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I enjoy a good short stor
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys