Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
🤣🤣🤣
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.