u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.