If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
#Caturday
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016