Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever