*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Look, I respect the skill. But no.