I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Thursday Thought.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Favourite diary entry ever