if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious