[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’m not proud
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that