“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.