Oops I deleted….
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I cannot call her anything else now