Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
me doing my best
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Breaking news:
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I have so many questions.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”