16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Time heals everything 🙂
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat