“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Someone just threatened to call me later
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist