Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You Might Also Like
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
That’s easy for you to say
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.