Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
You Might Also Like
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Okay me first
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle