[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.