absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
How actors in movies eat their food
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
sugar glider wrangler