Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.