Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
still the best tweet of the year by far
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*sewing*
A thread
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.