[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If you know, you know
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.