Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows