1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.