Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air