Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
.. do you even science?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one