him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.