My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.