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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
What?!?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF