Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above