I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once