Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Hamburger Hinderer.