Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.