this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Saw online –
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Oh. My. God.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?