My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW