I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.