Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others