ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.