*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I bet birds love this building.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot