Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
You Might Also Like
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
A family that plays together cheats.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
See..?
.