Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I need this for my side hustle.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*